One thing I've tried to sway my blog away from is the generic conversation of relationships. It is what everyone speaks of. The single, the lonely, the unhappy, the married, the confused souls, the scared, the heartbroken and the divorced ones all speak of it and are experts on it. Let me not even start on the Twitter and Instagram scholars and those who've just received their PhDs in social media memes and let me not forget the Facebook pastors and their holy thou art choir of "relationship goals".
iJoke! Please do not take it personal.
Point being here is this, everyone has their own opinion and we've all had our own experience. So what may work for you may not necessarily work for me. That brings me to the saying, "before you can love anyone you have to love yourself".
Now let's be real, loving ourselves sometimes it's the hardest thing. Sometimes you may look at yourself and feel inadequate. You may look at yourself and want to see another image. You could be alone with yourself and want to be different or you want to change yourself. You may think you're not pretty enough, handsome enough, you may be quick to anger or too stubborn, you may be too shy or too loud. You may be short and desire to be taller, you may hate your skin, you may wish to not be so emotional, you may wish to be a little bit more saner in your mind. You're maybe going through a lot and then you have someone come tell you that you need to love yourself or love yourself more. How do you do that when you have parts of you that you don't like, parts of you that you want to change, Parts of you that you need to change? No it won't work. In fact you're more likely to run away from yourself. You're more likely to create a persona to escape that which you are and be who you believe is a better version of you.
No don't tell me I need to love myself when I know deep down I dislike certain parts of myself that I would like to better.
Imagine someone whose insecurities have the better of them and they open up to you and the only sound advice you have to give them is "love thy self". You have not even listened to the individual at all. Completely ignored the core of their problem. "Love yourself" has become the generic prescription everyone gets regardless of their reason of not feeling wholesome.
Let's been honest sometimes the truth will shake someone into the realisation that change is necessary. I can't come as I am when I'm so flawed, you're not God to miraculously transform me. It'll be selfish of me, completely unfair.
Now please do not confuse my point here, I'm not saying loving yourself is bad or wrong. I'm just stating the obvious that it can sometimes be hard.
So what can we do now to ease that?
Well we all know that change is not easy, change only "feels" easy when you really want something. However the first thing we all need to be is real with ourselves. Now how real you are with yourself will depend on your strength in character, so to be able to judge yourself in such a away that you don't tear down your own confidence but rather to be in position to say to self, "ok, I know this now, can I do something about it or not?"
If yes, go for it, if not, it's beyond my control I move on. Then the fact that it is beyond my control I have accepted a part of myself that I can not physically construct to look like something that is not mine. Essentially that thing (whatever it is) is unique to me. That acceptance should serve as a catalyst for me to now appreciate it and eventually learn to love that particular part of myself.
Acceptance will help you limit or aid you to stop comparing yourself to someone else. Comparison is the ultimate destroyer of character, whether it is pumping your ego or inflating your insecurities, either way it's detrimental to your sanity.
You can't be me and I can't be you it'll never happen. You have been genetically created to be unique, you can't be configured nor duplicated likewise myself. We need to arise as individuals and grasp the beauty in our uniqueness otherwise we will forever be falling short from achieving our greatness. It's easy to look at someone else and be like, "I want her shape, buttocks or hips." I've realised its not just women and as a society we push the notion of insecurity as something predominately associated with women however, the difference is women are very overt with their insecurities in regards to men who try to hide it. If you're attentive and pay attention to some of the guys you speak with you'll realise just how insecure they are. Men do and say the craziest things to get attention. You'll always find some who always need reassuring about their looks. They are forever complaining girls don't find them attractive so they can get compliments. You'll go to their page and it's filled with love heart eyes emojis under their topless pictures. There's also the ones who are forever claiming how great and loving they are purely to lure women and let's not forget the lonely ones who are confused, one minute they are anti-women and act like treating a lady nice is a crime to humanity yet they are single and lonely. Then the next minute they are hopeful and claiming that they'll shower their "future wife" with all their hearts! Lol!!! Let's not even begin on the ones who want to showcase how strong, in control and possessive they are when deep down all they are trying to do is cover their weakness. They adopt a façade and masquerade through life. They prefer to be incognito and fail to deal with their underlying issues and utilise their weakness and turn them into strengths. Some feel powerless when they can't provide or feel less educated and develop this tough exterior that is almost unbudgeable. I'm not saying ladies do not do this please do not misconstrue, we can be here forever discussing what girls do to seek attention. Yes let be honest and tell the truth and Shame the devil, ladies we do ridiculous things to seek attention!
Point being here is this, being wholesome is hard. There will be times where you'll be negative to yourself but you're all you have.
There will be times were scriptures, religion or your faith seems futile and no longer comforting and it feels like walls are crashing into you. It happens. The thing is when you're at that stage nothing can help you well it's feels like that because you're the only person who can help you. That's why it's imperative that we can try to incorporate acceptance in our lives because acceptance is truth and the truth sets you free.
For example my biggest insecurity growing up was my stature especially during my college years I always wanted to be bigger, curvier and thicker. What made it worse was being black and it's a stereotype that black girls, in fact black African girls usually have big thighs and bums etc. I fell no where near that category, I was just slim. Some suggested it was due to the amount of sports and activities I did but I can eat like a pig. My metabolism is crazy, I believed eating was the solution to putting on weight so I stuffed my face. The crazy thing was people will touch my belly and say things like, " your belly is so flat, I want it." I would look at them as though they are insane. I wanted their body. What changed me was acceptance I tried everything and it didn't work and no I'm not moved by surgery so that was out of the question. So by the time I started university I had accepted being slim was me it was one of those things that was unique to me, I couldn't do anything about it. Then it dawned on me that my immediate family are all pretty slim and I grew to embrace it. Yes I'm petite but I'm not saggy, haha! I'm still looking youthful and now I see 18 and 20 year olds looking like some mamas and they haven't even had kids yet! Don't get me wrong I've had moments where that "thought" will reappear, like when I turned 25, a few years back I felt old but my body did not look like the body of a 25year old I had in my head! It was discouraging but the thing is once you've conquered these insecurities before it becomes very easy to brush away these "thoughts". However I kind you not, now my stature is actually the least of my worries.
I wanted someone else's body so disregarded my own but I accepted it slowly and I'm loving it and taking care of it. Listen, I love my body, (I'm not cocky I'm confident so when you tell me I'm the best it's a compliment! **jadakiss voice** Now I just want to stay this size, what I mean is, this healthy.
You just need to remember that someone else's light does not diminish yours, accepting yourself flaws and all will help build your confidence, yes it will be hard and it will go against the status quo but so what!
The thing that makes all this hard is social conformity because as sheep we all tend to conform consciously or subconsciously. Furthermore societal validation prevails over everything. We want people to validate us, to continuously feed our ego. So we show pictures that accentuates our assets and looks and it feeds us because we like it. You post one pic and 80 random people like it. 20 random strangers complimenting and lusting over you. Social media has made it easy and everyday we are pushed to believe the notion that beauty is drawn towards those who are fairer in complexion and dark berries although sweet and ripe are frowned upon. We expect everyone to fit a particular look and anyone who falls short of that are unattractive. We have ladies feeling unattractive because they don't look like random girls worshipped on the net. #TeamBeards is now like the craziest love lust and men whose facial hair may not grow as fast or not at all are emasculated. I'm not saying all feel like this. However you see guys forcing to grow their beards but it just looks like bum fluff, my friend shape up whatever is there and embrace your beardless face.
It's crazy!
However all these are exterior factors, do not neglect your mind and heart for the sake of how your outside looks. Feed yourself love, kindness and goodness all things right. Yes people see your outside first but it's your content what's within you that'll keep people around you. Your aura, uniqueness and positivity will cause people to fall in love in you. When that happens your exterior becomes futile all the goodness you've stored inside is all people see! Don't let someone validate you, don't allow someone's reaction to how you look determine how you feel about yourself. Don't do things to appease the opposite sex, what I mean by this is, doing things that YOU think they like for the sake of slight recognition or compliments. What's the point of that? If when you're alone that incomplete feeling surfaces again. Some people have strong characters that eventually can draw them out of that well of insecurities however if that's not you, good true friends or your faith in your God and his word that you grasp on to will surely help you. Some people may frown upon your faith and belief but at the end of the day they have no idea where you've been or the person you were, so you keep going!
Thus to conclude, you're not going to accept and love yourself overnight, it takes a conscious effort and sometimes a strong network and good company. It's a journey and not a state of being because you'll forever be changing and you need to keep up with yourself to adapt and embrace. So don't run away from you, try to work with you and start to appreciate and try to love yourself. It may not make sense to others but at least you'll be free. So remember that Self love is all about you accepting and making decisions that will give you peace in the long run. So that way you can say no, leave or stay and embrace relationships or friends and people. With self love purpose is given to yourself and you know what you deserve.
Keep being a perfect jem!
*this is my opinion it may not apply to you** disclaimer!
Born a legend to leave a legacy.
iJoke! Please do not take it personal.
Point being here is this, everyone has their own opinion and we've all had our own experience. So what may work for you may not necessarily work for me. That brings me to the saying, "before you can love anyone you have to love yourself".
Now let's be real, loving ourselves sometimes it's the hardest thing. Sometimes you may look at yourself and feel inadequate. You may look at yourself and want to see another image. You could be alone with yourself and want to be different or you want to change yourself. You may think you're not pretty enough, handsome enough, you may be quick to anger or too stubborn, you may be too shy or too loud. You may be short and desire to be taller, you may hate your skin, you may wish to not be so emotional, you may wish to be a little bit more saner in your mind. You're maybe going through a lot and then you have someone come tell you that you need to love yourself or love yourself more. How do you do that when you have parts of you that you don't like, parts of you that you want to change, Parts of you that you need to change? No it won't work. In fact you're more likely to run away from yourself. You're more likely to create a persona to escape that which you are and be who you believe is a better version of you.
No don't tell me I need to love myself when I know deep down I dislike certain parts of myself that I would like to better.
Imagine someone whose insecurities have the better of them and they open up to you and the only sound advice you have to give them is "love thy self". You have not even listened to the individual at all. Completely ignored the core of their problem. "Love yourself" has become the generic prescription everyone gets regardless of their reason of not feeling wholesome.
Let's been honest sometimes the truth will shake someone into the realisation that change is necessary. I can't come as I am when I'm so flawed, you're not God to miraculously transform me. It'll be selfish of me, completely unfair.
Now please do not confuse my point here, I'm not saying loving yourself is bad or wrong. I'm just stating the obvious that it can sometimes be hard.
So what can we do now to ease that?
Well we all know that change is not easy, change only "feels" easy when you really want something. However the first thing we all need to be is real with ourselves. Now how real you are with yourself will depend on your strength in character, so to be able to judge yourself in such a away that you don't tear down your own confidence but rather to be in position to say to self, "ok, I know this now, can I do something about it or not?"
If yes, go for it, if not, it's beyond my control I move on. Then the fact that it is beyond my control I have accepted a part of myself that I can not physically construct to look like something that is not mine. Essentially that thing (whatever it is) is unique to me. That acceptance should serve as a catalyst for me to now appreciate it and eventually learn to love that particular part of myself.
Acceptance will help you limit or aid you to stop comparing yourself to someone else. Comparison is the ultimate destroyer of character, whether it is pumping your ego or inflating your insecurities, either way it's detrimental to your sanity.
You can't be me and I can't be you it'll never happen. You have been genetically created to be unique, you can't be configured nor duplicated likewise myself. We need to arise as individuals and grasp the beauty in our uniqueness otherwise we will forever be falling short from achieving our greatness. It's easy to look at someone else and be like, "I want her shape, buttocks or hips." I've realised its not just women and as a society we push the notion of insecurity as something predominately associated with women however, the difference is women are very overt with their insecurities in regards to men who try to hide it. If you're attentive and pay attention to some of the guys you speak with you'll realise just how insecure they are. Men do and say the craziest things to get attention. You'll always find some who always need reassuring about their looks. They are forever complaining girls don't find them attractive so they can get compliments. You'll go to their page and it's filled with love heart eyes emojis under their topless pictures. There's also the ones who are forever claiming how great and loving they are purely to lure women and let's not forget the lonely ones who are confused, one minute they are anti-women and act like treating a lady nice is a crime to humanity yet they are single and lonely. Then the next minute they are hopeful and claiming that they'll shower their "future wife" with all their hearts! Lol!!! Let's not even begin on the ones who want to showcase how strong, in control and possessive they are when deep down all they are trying to do is cover their weakness. They adopt a façade and masquerade through life. They prefer to be incognito and fail to deal with their underlying issues and utilise their weakness and turn them into strengths. Some feel powerless when they can't provide or feel less educated and develop this tough exterior that is almost unbudgeable. I'm not saying ladies do not do this please do not misconstrue, we can be here forever discussing what girls do to seek attention. Yes let be honest and tell the truth and Shame the devil, ladies we do ridiculous things to seek attention!
Point being here is this, being wholesome is hard. There will be times where you'll be negative to yourself but you're all you have.
There will be times were scriptures, religion or your faith seems futile and no longer comforting and it feels like walls are crashing into you. It happens. The thing is when you're at that stage nothing can help you well it's feels like that because you're the only person who can help you. That's why it's imperative that we can try to incorporate acceptance in our lives because acceptance is truth and the truth sets you free.
For example my biggest insecurity growing up was my stature especially during my college years I always wanted to be bigger, curvier and thicker. What made it worse was being black and it's a stereotype that black girls, in fact black African girls usually have big thighs and bums etc. I fell no where near that category, I was just slim. Some suggested it was due to the amount of sports and activities I did but I can eat like a pig. My metabolism is crazy, I believed eating was the solution to putting on weight so I stuffed my face. The crazy thing was people will touch my belly and say things like, " your belly is so flat, I want it." I would look at them as though they are insane. I wanted their body. What changed me was acceptance I tried everything and it didn't work and no I'm not moved by surgery so that was out of the question. So by the time I started university I had accepted being slim was me it was one of those things that was unique to me, I couldn't do anything about it. Then it dawned on me that my immediate family are all pretty slim and I grew to embrace it. Yes I'm petite but I'm not saggy, haha! I'm still looking youthful and now I see 18 and 20 year olds looking like some mamas and they haven't even had kids yet! Don't get me wrong I've had moments where that "thought" will reappear, like when I turned 25, a few years back I felt old but my body did not look like the body of a 25year old I had in my head! It was discouraging but the thing is once you've conquered these insecurities before it becomes very easy to brush away these "thoughts". However I kind you not, now my stature is actually the least of my worries.
I wanted someone else's body so disregarded my own but I accepted it slowly and I'm loving it and taking care of it. Listen, I love my body, (I'm not cocky I'm confident so when you tell me I'm the best it's a compliment! **jadakiss voice** Now I just want to stay this size, what I mean is, this healthy.
You just need to remember that someone else's light does not diminish yours, accepting yourself flaws and all will help build your confidence, yes it will be hard and it will go against the status quo but so what!
The thing that makes all this hard is social conformity because as sheep we all tend to conform consciously or subconsciously. Furthermore societal validation prevails over everything. We want people to validate us, to continuously feed our ego. So we show pictures that accentuates our assets and looks and it feeds us because we like it. You post one pic and 80 random people like it. 20 random strangers complimenting and lusting over you. Social media has made it easy and everyday we are pushed to believe the notion that beauty is drawn towards those who are fairer in complexion and dark berries although sweet and ripe are frowned upon. We expect everyone to fit a particular look and anyone who falls short of that are unattractive. We have ladies feeling unattractive because they don't look like random girls worshipped on the net. #TeamBeards is now like the craziest love lust and men whose facial hair may not grow as fast or not at all are emasculated. I'm not saying all feel like this. However you see guys forcing to grow their beards but it just looks like bum fluff, my friend shape up whatever is there and embrace your beardless face.
It's crazy!
However all these are exterior factors, do not neglect your mind and heart for the sake of how your outside looks. Feed yourself love, kindness and goodness all things right. Yes people see your outside first but it's your content what's within you that'll keep people around you. Your aura, uniqueness and positivity will cause people to fall in love in you. When that happens your exterior becomes futile all the goodness you've stored inside is all people see! Don't let someone validate you, don't allow someone's reaction to how you look determine how you feel about yourself. Don't do things to appease the opposite sex, what I mean by this is, doing things that YOU think they like for the sake of slight recognition or compliments. What's the point of that? If when you're alone that incomplete feeling surfaces again. Some people have strong characters that eventually can draw them out of that well of insecurities however if that's not you, good true friends or your faith in your God and his word that you grasp on to will surely help you. Some people may frown upon your faith and belief but at the end of the day they have no idea where you've been or the person you were, so you keep going!
Thus to conclude, you're not going to accept and love yourself overnight, it takes a conscious effort and sometimes a strong network and good company. It's a journey and not a state of being because you'll forever be changing and you need to keep up with yourself to adapt and embrace. So don't run away from you, try to work with you and start to appreciate and try to love yourself. It may not make sense to others but at least you'll be free. So remember that Self love is all about you accepting and making decisions that will give you peace in the long run. So that way you can say no, leave or stay and embrace relationships or friends and people. With self love purpose is given to yourself and you know what you deserve.
Keep being a perfect jem!
*this is my opinion it may not apply to you** disclaimer!
Born a legend to leave a legacy.
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